Last year around this time, I wrote one of my most read topics By The Grace of God.In that post, I let the world in on a side of my life I never really discussed. My faith. I stated that I knew of God, I believed, but I did not KNOW God. There is a difference. Oh but be careful what you say. God made sure I got to know Him, intimately. From the struggle with my seizures, to my family’s battle with cancer, friendship, family, love, to every battle I faced, I got to KNOW him. By the grace of God is the only way I can continue to support the community and everyone else in my life.
A few weeks ago one of my Twitter lovies was having a rough time. She said to me “I need some inspiration, Not a good day for me. Any words of wisdom?” I usually have these long monologues. But see sometimes I don’t have the words that reflect what I want to say. But there will always, ALWAYS be a song that can relay what I’m feeling or want to say. Then she found that song. I told her put it on repeat, lay down and just relax. Music can bring healing to the soul. I shared this to say, that’s how I made it through the storms of this last year of my life. I had to literally praise my way out. There were times I couldn’t tell if I was coming or going. I grabbed my bible, journal, and headphones and literally let go and let God. This blog will give a glimpse of my journey.
May 2014, I was forced to take a leave of absence by my doctor due to seizures. So I left Dallas and went back to New Orleans for awhile. Before I left, I turned my life over to Christ at a Joyce Meyer conference. At the time, I was unsure of what that meant for me and how my life would be changed from that point on. I just knew I was tired of the life I was living, being in a constant loop of emotional battles. I’m not perfect and I’ve messed up in life but I was ready for complete healing. Knowing there was true happiness SOMEWHERE. By June, things seemed okay. I was home and I was so excited at how things were turning out. I did the right thing! But when RIGHT goes WRONG.
I thought I would not make it
My mind, my strength, was gone
Everything in my life came crashing down
I felt so all alone
Now I’m lookin’ at my life in broken pieces
Oh what, will I do now
I want to trust you but I just don’t know how-Tye Tribbett “Beauty for Ashes”
By July, my disability was denied, my seizures didn’t disable me enough. My apartment was gone back in Dallas, no income. So of course I started questioning God. What any scared person would do, asking God why are you letting this happen?. But instead of asking “Why did God allow it?”, we must know that He will always sustain us through what He has allowed. I was getting hit with all of this BECAUSE I chose to let God do a work in me. That’s when the storms of life rage, it’s a testing of your faith. Will you trust Him or will you do it on your own? I decided to trust. Kept pushing. Returned to Dallas in August. Let’s try this again.
What do you do when you’ve done all you can
And it seems like it’s never enough?
And what do you say
When your friends turn away
And you all alone, alone? -Donnie McClurkin “Stand”
Be prepared to lose people on the journey. This is the hardest concept to handle. People walked away that I thought would be there forever, well because I am always there. Then I realized, maybe I am focusing too much on this part and God wants me focused on Him. I literally was stripped of everything in my life. This goes for family, friends, business partners, whatever relationship. See He will bring you down to your knees because He is after your heart. To free myself from these emotional strongholds, I took the first step and forgave everyone who walked out (including the father I never met) and even apologized for any of my wrongs. You don’t know just how freeing forgiveness can be! If God wants them on the journey of where He is taking you, He will place them back on your path.
At this point I cried out and said I surrender. You have complete control. Do what you want with me because I clearly cannot do this in my own strength. I did not know what to do in this season. God will always meet you where you are. Just take the first step and GO to Him.
Through this skin you see
Through this laughter you feel
Even through this mask you see
For You are the only one who really knows just who I am
And you search me
And you know all the secrets of my heart
And you search me
Revealing the mysteries of who You are
Growing up never comes easily
But in Your hands, You’re the potter Molding me– Katy Perry “Search Me”
Oh you thought you would escape with no Katy Perry? LOL! Yeah Right! After I let God lead, life took a dramatic turn! Doors started to fly open, opportunities started to chase me down. My purpose was revealed, I have a new-found happiness. I am even handling situations and conflicts better. Storms may shake me but they don’t destroy me like they once did. I know that God will always equip me for anything that may come my way. Now I am a better friend, daughter, aunt, girlfriend, everything in-between. Learn to heal from the inside out and everything else will fall into place. There will be tears, heartache because thats just life but keep fighting. My seizures are still here because that’s just MY epilepsy life. Never ever give up hope. Focus on the positive things in life my lovies!
Never would have made it
Never could have made it without You
I would have lost it all
But I now I see
How You were there for me
And I can say
I’m stronger, I’m wiser
I made it
Through my storm and my test
Because You were there
To carry me through my mess–Marvin Sapp “Never Would Have Made It”
P.S. Know that I am always praying for you even if we do not speak for whatever reason. To you all and my epilepsy community you are ALWAYS on my mind.
Be Blessed, Don’t live life in distress
Just let go, let God, He’ll work it out for you
I pray that your soul will be blessed
Forever in His rest, Cause you deserve His best no less
Enter a place where you never have to cry
Never have to live a lie, never have to wonder why
Never want for nothing you’re always satisfied
In the peace that His arms will provide
He will erase any guilt or shame, any bad habits you’ve got
You won’t wanna do em again, Yes we all can change, I can testify
See I spoke to God, I called out your name
And on your behalf, I just asked, If he would be there for you–Yolanda Adams “Be Blessed”